


Super Villains are Cock-Blockers

by Missing_Intestines_18



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 21:09:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missing_Intestines_18/pseuds/Missing_Intestines_18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>X-Ray and Vav have their celebration rudely interrupted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Super Villains are Cock-Blockers

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, darling internet. It's been a while, yeah?
> 
> So, not Normality, but it's something. My attempt at being funny/writing smut for the first time since, like... freshman year...? Iunno. I'mma try to start chapter 9 of Normality tonight.
> 
> Ugh, I wanna say some stuff, but I have an impatient little brother waiting for me to come downstairs and watch Prison Break/American Horror Story with him. And he's already bitter because I missed his only race at his swim meet earlier today. In my defense, I was totes on time, but they started early. But our school tied with the best team in South Coast Conference, so that's good! All my boys doing their best <3
> 
> Yay, my writing playlist has graced me with The Killers...
> 
> So happy holidays, bitches. Hope you get some cool shit.
> 
> All I want for Festivus are comments. Pleeeeease, the space around my pole is so bare!

It was times like this that Gavin regretted immigrating to the United States. It was true that America needed heroes more (much, much more) than Britain, but when he raised his hand during that bi-weekly British League of Superhuman Individuals meeting, he hadn’t known that _this_ was what he was signing onto.

“MOGAR IS _READY_!!”

Gavin (or Vav, as he was known to the civilians), and his American partner X-Ray, sat back to back, bound by rope.

Before them, a beast that was more bear than man reared its furry head and roared. Behind Mogar stood two other notorious villains—Tone Geoff and Bullet Beard. _Bollocks,_ Vav thought. _What a night for them to decide to cooperate…_

“Vav…” X-Ray squirmed nervously. In a situation like this, he was basically powerless; x-ray vision couldn’t really help, and he dared not beam his own special blend of carcinogenic radiation, not with Vav so close.

“Working on it,” Vav grunted through gritted teeth as he tried to wiggle his hips free of the rope.

Frothing at the mouth, Mogar advanced, his shorts glowing yellow in the industrial lighting from above. Bullet Beard had his auburn barrels trained on the trapped protagonists. Tone Geoff readied his vocal chords for another attack.

“Well. We’re fucked.”

“Shut _up,_ X-Ray!”

“SILENCE, FOOLS!” Mogar roared. “YOU TWO ARE INDEED ROYALY FUCKED. I HOPE YOU’VE MADE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS.”

Bullet Beard cocked his facial hair and Tone Geoff hummed a few agonizing bars.

 _Need more time…!_ Vav squeezed his eyes shut and slowed time to a crawl, projecting his immunity to X-Ray as well. He wriggled furiously, hips nearly clear of the binding.

“Good thinking, Vav,” X-Ray commended with a grin.

To the villains looking on, it looked as though Vav’s lower half was vibrating at a tremendous speed. They murmured their confused _what the fuck_ s and readied themselves to kill the two heroes.

In X-Ray and Vav’s time-transcending bubble, seconds before the evil trio expressed their bewilderment, the rope relinquished its hold on Vav’s pelvic region. “Let’s hope this works,” he said to X-Ray, and curled his body to raise his bottom. With a grunt, he fired off a carefully-aimed laser beam with a thrust of his hips. The beam cut through the rope, and it fell from the heroes’ bodies like rain from an umbrella. They leapt to their feet and ran to the side. Vav sped their time up to normal, and they watched with amusement as Mogar’s fists slammed into empty air and a smattering of bullets flew from Bullet Beard’s chin and into the bear-man’s back.

“Ow!” Mogar jumped forward and turned to glare at his fellow villain. “Goddammit, Jack, this is why we never work together!”

“What was I supposed to do?” Bullet Beard shot back. “Let _you_ kill them? They’re _my_ nemeses too!”

“Uh, guys?” Tone Geoff said.

“You’re _supposed_ to be _my_ backup!” Mogar snapped, ignoring the brunette and rounding on the ginger. “ _I’m_ their arch-enemy. You have Horse-Puncher!”

“Guys?”

Bullet Beard scoffed. “ _That_ washed-up nobody? I kicked his ass years ago. I need fresh meat, and those two are the only supers in Texas. Someone as evil as me needs someone to fight.”

“ _Evil_ ,” Mogar repeated. “I wouldn’t call parking in a handicap spot _evil_.”

“Guuuuys…”

“Hey! I robbed a couple banks too—“

“HEY, YOU CUNTS!!” Tone Geoff boomed in a sub-sonic tone, not wanting to _completely_ destroy his partners’ hearing.

The other two groaned in pain and held onto their ears.

Tone Geoff pointed behind Mogar. “You’re about to be tranq’ed. And the cops are here.”

“What the—“ Mogar began, but his strength left him as X-Ray slid the needle into his hairy back. He fell to the floor and shrunk, morphing back into his pale human form. Bullet Beard tried to loose a storm of bullets on X-Ray but, in a blur of royal blue, Vav snatched the bullets from the air and tossed them to the side. The next second, Bullet Beard’s mutated facial hair was shorn from his face, and he was rendered powerless.

Tone Geoff surrendered with a roll of his eyes. “Catch you on the flip side, boys,” he called to X-Ray and Vav as he was escorted out in handcuffs.

“He really _is_ lazy. Pretty awful villain, too,” Vav said with a frown. “Not that I’m complaining. To us, that’s a typical American…”

They departed before the police were done loading the three evil-doers into the detainment vehicle. Together they leapt across the rooftops of Austin, silent (except for X-Ray’s little mutters of “parkour”) as they alighted on the roof of Vav’s little apartment building. They descended the fire escape and slipped through a window for post-battle drinks.

“For a stupid asshole, you can really be smart sometimes,” X-Ray commented as he pulled a bottle of soda from the fridge.

Vav grinned. “Cheers, X-Ray.”

Both heroes de-heroed. X-Ray removed his x-ray specs and donned his civilian pair, then pulled off his green spandex. Vav didn’t do anything more than strip his suit because, as X-Ray had pointed out soon after they’d partnered, “all British people look the same.”

Now both down to their skivvies, they flopped onto the five-flops-from-collapsing couch in Vav’s cramped living/dining room. Vav didn’t bother scolding X-Ray for the drops of Mountain Dew that had landed on the cushion; what’s a couple more stains?

X-Ray sighed and took a sip. “Man, I’m beat.”

Vav agreed with a hum.

“D’you ever miss England?” the American hero asked. His eyes were fixed on a discoloration on the wall opposite them. The spot looked eerily like Barbra Streisand.

Vav thought about it. “Yeah, I guess. I had a pretty sweet flat, and me and my mate always had fun. I told you about him, right? Dan the Time-Reversing-And-Also-Foreseer-Of-The-Future Man?” After a nod from X-Ray, he continued. “I miss him, and I do miss tea time and my flat and my Queen. But I’m Vav now, not Time-Speed-Controlling-Pelvic-Laser Lad. President Madonna is my leader now.”

“You mean Obama?”

“Who?”

“Nevermind.”

Vav took a gulp of his vodka-spiked Earl Grey. “Anyways. England doesn’t need two time heroes. Dan was always the better one anyways. I’d always bollocks everything and he’d have to save my arse. I’m lucky all the criminals here are stupid bloody idiots, else I’d be absolutely mullered in every fight.”

“Yeah, they are all SBIs,” X-Ray agreed with a smile. “I mean, you are too, but your Britishness throws them off.”

A little shove and more wet spots on the sad sofa. X-Ray laughed and placed his cup on the heavily-scarred coffee table before pushing back, resulting in a splash of amber down Vav’s chest and a very British squeal.

“Ray, you mingy little spaff!” A battle ensued on the couch, with much squirming and pinching and slapping. In the end, X-Ray was straddling Vav’s lap.

“So you’re happy in this shit apartment with a shit job and shit nemeses?” X-Ray asked, smiling.

Vav smiled back. “As long as I have my boi.”

Barbra Streisand watched with cockeyed optimism as the two heroes kissed. Vav ran clumsy fingers up X-Ray’s bare back, and the American hummed happily.

Vav broke away and murmured in X-Ray’s ear, “C’mon, this couch doesn’t need any more stains.”

He got up without waiting for X-Ray’s reply, nearly dumping the other man to the ground, and as soon as they were both steadily on the decaying carpet, they linked hands and dashed to the broom closet that was Vav’s bedroom.

Vav jumped on the unmade stack of creaky mattresses, quickly jumped on by X-Ray.

“You pleb, you nearly landed on my knob—” Vav’s complaint was quickly cut off by X-Ray’s hungry mouth and hands, which were quickly reciprocated, and the Brit shifted the super lightweight on top of him with ease.

Vav’s cock throbbed within his Union Jack boxers with every pass of X-Ray’s tongue against his, and he felt X-Ray’s arousal too, confined in tight-fitting Puerto Rico drawers. Their mutual favorites.

He wriggled an arm between them and palmed X-Ray’s package. “Frothing at the gash for me, my lovely little boy?” he grinned against the other’s lips.

“It’s your massive nose; it just gets me so hard…”

With so much difficulty that it was cringe-worthy, they both managed to rid themselves of their smallclothes.  Vav wasted no time in rolling them both over, and as soon as their positions were switched, he grabbed both their cocks in one long-fingered hand and stroked them in unison. The sounds streaming from X-Ray’s mouth were so criminally obscene they would get him kicked out of the American Hero Association.

“Fuck, Gav, put it in me…”

“Hang on, hang on…” Vav leaned over to the stacked milk crates that served as his bed-side table and fumbled with the shoebox (labeled “Shagbox”) that contained condoms and lube.

“Hurry!”

“Shut up, Ray!”

He tore open the condom wrapper and swiftly donned the rubber within, then covered his fingers in grape-flavored slime. He teased X-Ray’s entrance, eliciting a venomous “fuck you,” and then wriggled the digit inside.

X-Ray sighed. “Man, I’m a slut,” he remarked, pushing himself against Vav’s finger. “Gimme another.”

Vav obeyed and forced another finger in, twisting and spreading and prodding until he felt X-Ray shudder with pleasure.

“Good enough. Now get inside me before I give you lymphoma,” X-Ray demanded.

Vav paused. “You sure? You’re still tight as—”

X-Ray’s eyes glowed green behind his glasses and Vav decided it was best not to further agitate the horny hero.

He coated his John Thomas in purple goop and positioned himself between X-Ray’s slender legs.

“Come onnnnnn.” X-Ray quivered with frustration.

Vav grinned and guided his dick to X-Ray’s entrance. “Teeease it,” he murmured, and with a decent amount of pressure and a gasp from his partner, he popped in and slid until his balls met ass-cheeks.

“Now fuck me like Dan the Man fucked you.”

Vav loved to take it rough, the way Dan the Time-Reversing-And-Also-Foreseer-Of-The-Future Man had done, but preferred to give it slow. He began long, easy thrusts, and X-Ray huffed discontentedly.

“Bullshit.” He pushed Vav until they both rolled over. X-Ray planted both hands on the Brit’s fuzzy chest and began bouncing furiously on the uncircumcised cock below him, trying to triangulate a good angle.

“Raaaay,”  Vav groaned, “slow dowwwwwn…”

“Don’t be such a babyyy—ohhh…” X-Ray’s scolding morphed into a drawn out moan as he found what he was looking for, and began bouncing ever faster. “Right there, right there, right—”

Both heroes were startled from their Victory Fuck by the crackling of a police radio. X-Ray nearly toppled off Vav.

_“41-20 at Thom’s Market on Barton Springs; car 12, do you copy?”_

_“Ten-four, dispatch, on our way now.”_

Vav sighed. “C’mon, let’s get dressed…” He began lifting X-Ray off of him, but the Puerto Rican slapped his hands away.

“It’s just a robbery, Gavin. The pigs can handle it,” he insisted. He leaned down and locked his lips with Vav’s, then started railing himself again, quick and deep, uttering sharp moans against Vav’s mouth with every hit against his sweet spot.

Vav grunted. “Ray, love,” he complained, “you know I’m sensitive…”

“Fucking pansy—”

_“Dispatch, do you copy?”_

_“Loud and clear, go ahead.”_

_“At Thom’s; the perp has been confirmed to be Ryan Heywood—repeat, the Mad King has taken hostages! He’s blown a hole in the floor, the hostages are trapped—requesting backup.”_

“God _dammit!”_ X-Ray yelled, sitting up. “Can’t they give it a rest for _one fucking night?!”_

_“Any demands, 12?”_

_“He wants… yellow wool and meat?”_

“Let’s go,” Vav said with an exasperated exhale.

“We can’t go out like this!” X-Ray protested, and pushed Vav down again. “C’mon, finish it quick!”

“Ugh, fine…” Vav liked his sex slow and intimate, but he’d have to cheat for the sake of justice. He cast a time-slowing bubble around X-Ray and, with much concentration, began thrusting at his own, ideal speed.

Above him, X-Ray felt rough, fast-paced stabs against his prostate that made him cry out with pleasure. Vav gave a breathy chuckle between pants. Slowed-down sex noises sounded funny.

Three minutes and 37 seconds later, Vav was spilling his seed into X-Ray, his lover following suit soon after. X-Ray collapsed onto Vav, and the time-governing hero sped his speed back to normal.

“Love you, Ray,” Vav muttered, kissing the dark head of hair tickling his cheek.

“Shut up.” X-Ray smiled and bit Vav’s shoulder affectionately, then slid off his partner and stood on shaky legs. “Let’s go kick some kilted ass.” He sniffed and wrinkled his nose. “Great. I smell like sweat and you and that grape shit.”

“S’good thing people like grapes then, yeah?”

**Author's Note:**

> If some references went over your head:
> 
> "Barbra Streisand watched with cockeyed optimism as the two heroes kissed."  
> There's a Barbra Streisand song called "A Cockeyed Optimist." Never listened to it before. 
> 
> "... the Brit shifted the super lightweight on top of him with ease."  
> Super lightweight is a weight class in boxing, 140-147 lbs. I’m guessing that’s Ray’s weight. I think Geoff asked during one of the Let’s Plays if Jack was twice the weight of Ray, and Jack denied, and I can’t see Jack weighing any more than 240-260.
> 
> “He wants… yellow wool and meat?”  
> The first two requests made by Ryan in part one of the King Ryan Let's Play.


End file.
